im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Four minutes until I can fart!
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
