Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
