i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
