I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
