im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
