turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
