I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
