I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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