I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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