morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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