a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Life without a bra equals bliss.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
