Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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