Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
