I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
And then he peed in my hair
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