No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
