I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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