Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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