my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
