Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
