why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
