you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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