I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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