Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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