i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Randomize
