worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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