Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
