Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
