the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
