I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
