you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I love you. Go after that dick
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
