bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
