I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
