I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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