I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
