Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
