Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
