youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
