I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize
