I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
