we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
