I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Randomize
