I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
