Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
