Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
