I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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