I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
