CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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