Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
