remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
