I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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